Parody of a Pregnancy
by sharpie x3
Summary: My name is Edward Cullen, and I know how to play my cards right. Let me explain. I am a vampire, an incubus. My goal in life, or rather existence, is to impregnate young female humans. Mature Parody of the first night of Edward and Bella's honeymoon.


**Author's Note:** This is a parody, and a mature one at that. It came straight after my venting about how disappointing Breaking Dawn was. Don't hate me for portraying Edward so evilly. I actually think he's quite the gentleman, just not in this story. By the way, I happen to know I'm terrible at lemons. Review anyway.

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**Parody of a Pregnancy**

My name is Edward Cullen, and I know how to play my cards right. Let me explain. I am a vampire, an incubus. My goal in life, or rather existence, is to impregnate young female humans. Throughout my existence of nearly 110 years, I've only had one problem achieving this goal—a lack of fit candidates. No average girl would do. No, I needed a unique, strong woman to carry my half-bred child, and after searching far and wide for 90 years for such a woman, I finally found her, Bella Swan. Her statistics may seem average—brown hair, brown eyes, thin—but she is far from it. I chose her for her unique ability to have a resistance to my supernatural gift of mind-reading.

How did I happen upon such a girl, one may ask. The little rainy town of Forks was the setting of that fateful day I would set eyes on my victim, er, lover. Unfortunately, I had one more obstacle to overcome, getting the prude to fall in love with me.

Naturally Bella wouldn't allow me to make love to her until marriage, so I had to play mind games with her until that milestone could occur. Make her think I hate her, then tolerate her, then love her, then not care about her, then need her until the end of time, then be a prude, and finally make her believe I'm throwing away my fake prudish ways. In my book, it was rather simple.

If you're wondering, I did marry her. And of course, for her to carry my child, she had to remain human during the process, so I bribed her with changing her into a vampire after our marriage, and she, like any other human, wanted to experience sex while on our honeymoon, making it that much easier for me to do what I am doing now.

"Beautiful," I hear Bella say in the water behind me as she places her bare hand on mine.

I know exactly what to say. "It's all right. But I wouldn't use the word _beautiful._" Luckily she had thought of saving me time and has all her clothes off, as I do too. Perfect. _Like taking candy from a baby_. Or virginity from a teenage girl. "Not with you standing here in comparison." See how effortless this is? I get her to smile and the next step is like breathing. She places her hand over my unbeating heart. Now I have to make her believe I care for her and her general well-being. "I promised we would try. If…if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."

She nods and says some words of her own. "Don't be afraid. We belong together."

Boys, always remember the girl wants you to always reassure her. Take note from my response. "Forever."

Skinny dip for a while, and then it's back to the bed. Carrying her bridal style is a must. She giggles as I place her down and I practically jump her. I make her think she's worth it as I place kisses on her face, down her neck, and finally her breasts.

"Edward," she moans.

"Yes, my love," I mutter against her. Pet name, check.

She pulls my face to hers, and I rest my hands on her hips, teasing her while tracing my fingers on her body. She lets loose another moan. "Can we try _now?_"

I want to answer, _Why, of course bitch. The sooner I pass on my sperm, the better._ But since I want this to happen, I choose my words carefully. "Certainly," I say huskily, "but please, if anything happens," I run my hands over her breasts, "please tell me."

I finally enter her in the most personal way, and she tries to bite down her scream as I break the seal of her virginity with something that I would consider a light thrust.

A couple moans, many thrusts, and some screaming later, and we reach our climax. I release my mutant sperm into her, and I feel accomplished as I pull separate our conjoined bodies.

"Edward," she breathes. "That was perfect."

"Actually, practice makes perfect," I mumble into her ear as I nuzzle her face with my nose. You can never be certain that the sperm actually reached an egg, so I enter her once more, repeating the rhythm.

My job is more than halfway done.


End file.
